OK and Back on Track

Hello again.

Well…after my last post, I feel I need to check in with you all and say I am ok.  I’ve realized that I tend to blog most when I am down.  Journaling is a well known therapy tool which is very effective, and I guess I’ve taken that to heart.  My blog is my therapy journal.  Oh dear.  Makes for very depressive reading, doesn’t it.

C’est la vie.

So, I am ok.  I met with a friend on Friday evening fully intending to dump all my stuff on her (she’d make a great therapist 🙂 ).  Except she’s going through identity theft right now (ick!) and was all over the place.  So I turned to my familiar old role of comforter and counselor and tried to help her, mainly just listening.  The old role felt good, and safe, and familiar, like slipping into comfy old slippers.  It felt good to forget about my woes and concentrate on someone’s woes for a bit.  It helped me put into perspective my own woes.

So Saturday morning I walked through the Weightwatcher doors and weighed in.  I think weighing in is the toughest part of the whole weight management thing.  I deliberately didn’t unpack my scales the last time I moved as I tend to be a bit OCD with them.  I’ve been known to weigh myself with clothes on, take them off and weight again; weigh before using the toilet and again afterward; weigh before a meal and again afterward.  Did you know that a full set of clothes can weigh as much as 2lbs!  And that a liter of water consumed, a full pound!  Seriously, the scale can become a complete obsession for me.  So I made the healthy decision to just not have them.  Hence the Weightwatcher’s weigh in being such a terrifying time.  Anyway, the upshot is that I gained 2.6lbs over the last 3 weeks or so.  So now my total weight loss is only 13lbs.  You know what the funny thing was?  I was hardly disappointed in the weight gain.  I was more relieved that I finally knew what the damage was and that I was in a place that could help.  What a liberating feeling.  Staying for the meeting was a good thing too, because they spoke about the bad times and how so many of spiral.  And I realized that at least this was only a 3 week spiral and not a 5 year spiral, which is what happened before.

So here I am, back on Weightwatchers.  An interesting thing was on Saturday I felt like I’d gone way over my points, but when I captured them, I was actually well within the limits.  So Weightwatchers is proving it’s worth, if only for showing me when I do well.  Because it’s just so easy for me to focus on the bad all the time and not the good.

My last words on this subject for the day is that Weightwatchers has a “Lose for Good” campaign going, and for 6 weeks, for every pound you lose, they will donate a pound of food to two hunger agencies.  So for every pound I lose and for every treat I say no too, I am feeding a poor, starving person.  Isn’t that awesome?  I find it so sad that I am so far gone that I need this type of thing to motivate me, but I really do, so I’ll grasp onto whatever I can.  So if you’re thinking of joining Weightwatchers, now would be a an especially good time to do so.

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Feelings from a Holistic Perspective

I guess I do have more to say today that’s not down and dreary.

I mentioned before that I was seeing a Holistic MD, but I haven’t blogged about it much. As predicted she spoke about diet and exercise. But more importantly, she understood and spoke about ENERGY! Not energy as you are most likely thinking. But energy as in Reiki and other energy modalities and practices. Like grounding, centering, meditation et al. Yay! Yay! Someone who understands!

On Thursday last week, I had a follow up consultation with her and a Energy Healing session. I was a bad, bad girl and didn’t do much of what she suggested in her first consultation – organic whole foods, unprocessed and unrefined products, regular exercise, counselling, blood work etc. I SO have a thing about authority and was feeling so ashamed when I arrived and even though I think it’s a waste of my energy to feel that way, I was. Not wanting to even mention it at all (as that would be putting energy towards it), I mentioned it in passing – softly, casually – hoping she wouldn’t hear it. Well, she did. And she was so cool about it all! All she said was “That’s just information”. Yay! No scolding! And then she said “There’s obviously something preventing your tremendous will from asserting itself”. Yay! That’s EXACTLY the way I feel! My will is STRONG. And has pulled me through many a weight loss program before, university, crappy jobs, moving to 2 new countries etc. It’s just deserted me now. Something’s up. Mentally. Yay! Yay! Yay! Oh! What it is to be finally understood!

Anyway the thing I wanted to blog about specifically, is something she said about feelings.

It is her belief that we spend vast amounts of energy avoiding our feelings. Pushing them down, and away. With food. With addictions. With busy-ness. With fat. She says that we need time and space to actually feel, experience and process our feelings. Something our western lives doesn’t give us much of. Without this time and space we cannot heal.

I asked her why we do this. She believes that it’s because our society doesn’t know what to do with real emotion. We are embarrassed by it, threatened by it. And so we are taught to not only bury and suppress it, but to not have it at all.

This is certainly true for the male population. But I think it’s even true for us females. Yes, it’s definitely more acceptable for us to express. But only to a very small, limited degree. A few discreet tears, for a few uncomfortable moments. And then that’s enough. “Pull yourself together now”, we’re told. Ever had a full-out crying, sobbing, body-wracking, ranting session? In front of a loved one? For like a whole hour or so? How comfortable were they with it? This brings to mind a verse from my favorite poem – The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer:

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I think my Lady-Doctor friend is totally correct. I know it’s correct for me. I hardly remember crying when I was younger (maybe my family remembers differently, not sure). I do remember trying to cry though, many times, anything to relieve the burning pain inside. And just getting a pounding headache instead.

Contrast that to now. And the last few of years, where I will cry at the drop of a hat. And feel WONDERFUL afterwards. Truly, a releasing experience. It’s a difference made possible by a change in beliefs. I now believe it is my god-given right to express. I never used to. It’s relatively new to me. I don’t think my family quite knows what to make of it all 🙂 . I think in some ways I might seem more unhappy, but in truth it is just me, expressing more. And I am actually happier for it.

Anyway, back to the Lady-Doc….She maintains that this feeling avoidance may be even more marked in folk who are energy-sensitive and empathic. I think the more comfortable you become with feelings, the more you actually feel. Except for those of us (like me) for whom feelings may still be slightly threatening, you may not actually want to feel more. It’s tricky. It is my personal goal to know myself inside and out and so I HAVE to face my feelings. Yet, there is obviously a part of me who is terrified by this process, probably Lil’ Nat. Hence internal conflict results.

Lady-Doc also maintains that excess weight is a wonderful mechanism to not actually feel your body and dull your feelings. Again, I think she’s correct. There are entire days where I don’t actually feel my body (from the inside-like). And then I’ll touch my body in some way or another and realize, “oh, that’s me”. Very strange. Almost like I am not in my body. I’ve heard people talk about that before, “being out of their bodies”, not like having an OBE (out of body experience…astral travelling), but just not being there. And I’ve never really understood that before. I think I’m beginning to really get it now. Looking back, I think I began to gain a serious amount of weight…pounds, by the minutes…when I actively and purposefully started working on opening up my awareness and consciousness. So, I think she may just be onto something here.

Lady-Doc says that her requirements of diet and exercise are not goals per se (although the effects are desirable from a health perspective), but are processes designed to allow me to experience my earthly existence, to ground myself, to center myself. To balance myself.

Her “diagnosis”, if you like, is that I have had a large shift in consciousness (agreed), but have not yet done the cleanup of old feelings and beliefs. It is these which are dragging me down, adding on weight and causing the fatigue. Again I think she’s onto something here.

One of her recommendations, from my first consultation was therapy with a EMDR Specialist. I haven’t yet done that, but after all these realizations about my weight, I think I just might give it a try.

I love that I have a MD who can speak in terms of spirituality and energy, as well as pathological medical terms!

Fascinating stuff.

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Too fat to Eat Out?

Blog hopping again, I came across this inspiring piece of news….Lawmakers have proposed legislation that forbids restaurants and food establishments from serving food to anyone who is obese (as defined by the State).

Well…well….well…substitute those words with vulgar cussing!

Can’t say I’m surprised that someone’s finally tried this though.  Just glad that I do not live in such an ignorant, arrogant state.

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Eyes, Car, Body & Forgiveness

Ok…not much time before bedtime, but I really want to post at least something today.

Today accomplished a lot.  I :-

1. Went to the optometrist, had my eyes tested and picked out new specs.  My script has improved – strange!
2. Had my car inspected, went to the MVA (aka Motor Vehicle Association) and got new tags (aka plates) for my car. Only a cool 5 months after moving to a new state.  You only have 60 days in which to do it, so in actual fact I have been driving illegally.  Let me not even get started on why it’s taken so long.  Let’s just say the MVA is freaking USELESS!
3. JOINED A GYM!!!  Woohoo!  That is the biggest and best news by far!  Now I can attempt to loose the many pounds (maybe like 80 – gasp!) I have gained since coming to the US.  Did I mention how I hate exercise?  No, I guess I didn’t because I detest moaning blogs.  But for the record, I HATE EXERCISE!

Tomorrow I have an appointment to see a MD who also practices holistic complimentary and alternative medicine.  I’m hoping she can help me shake this tremendous fatigue I find myself continually fighting.  I’m betting she will tell me to exercise (urgh!) and diet, preferably organic vegan foods only.  She will probably send me for a battery of blood tests and tell me I am at least pre-diabetic and also prescribe a load of herbs and suppliments.  Hopefully we can also cover my energy work and how I can keep myself healthy in that realm too.  So why, you might ask am I going to see someone when I already know what she will say….?  Because I just don’t have the strength to do this on my own.  I want her to hold my hand and help me take the little baby steps I know I must begin with.

Tomorrow I also have my gym induction at 8:00am.  Am I crazy or what…8:00am?!

And then tomorrow night I’m attending the 2nd session of a Radical Forgiveness course I’m doing.  It’s totally radical, man!

Oh, and somewhere in all of this, I’m supposed to work.  Yer right.

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