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Posts Tagged ‘parenting’

Let me apologize in advance as not all my readers will know of my back story and so this post might not make sense all the way.

Today I came across the poem by Kahlil Gibran from The Prophet called “Speak to us of Children”. And I listened as he spoke. And I was inspired.

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said,
– Speak to us of children!

And he said:
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come trough you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of to-narrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the Archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

And now I find myself in terrifying waters! I just made tentative moves to break the tension between B’s ex and myself, agreeing to a meeting with the 3 of us, with the goal of talking through our issues. This is not because I like her and am secretly missing her (as if!). It’s because I think we will all parent more effectively in a cooperative environment instead of in a conflicting one and I think the kids will ultimately benefit from a united parental front (and so will the parents!). However, I am terrified that all I’ve worked for over the last year or so will just slip through my fingers in the name of ‘playing nice’. And I DO NOT want that to happen. But I also know how I can get. At my heart, I am a people pleaser and I often tend to forget all about my own needs. I then either burn out or grow more and more unconscious in my unhappiness and eventually explode with suppressed anger. Over the last year I have worked really hard to figure out what I want and to stand up for it, in spite of ‘politeness’. And I have really pissed her off in the process. And lived through it (gasp! Imagine that!). I’m scared I will let myself down and just let it all go. And all in the name of ‘co-operation’.

I think I need to write/blog/journal on this some more. Before we meet, I need to have figured out and written down:

  • What I want for myself out of my relationship with her (ie. I don’t want one with her, other than a kid-centric one. I want to be co-parents with her, not her buddy. I want respect for my role in her children’s lives.)
  • What I want for myself out of my relationship with the kids (ie. I do not want to be their Mom. I want to be a loved and respected, influential adult (maybe like a favored aunt) in their lives who can bring my own individual life’s experience to them – formal education, global cultures.)
  • What I want for my family (ie. B and the kids. That I want one. Which cannot happen if she interferes every few hours. She has been really good at this over the last 2 months and I’ve hardly heard a peep from her. I like it like this.)
  • What I want for the kids (ie. safety, stability, security – but most of all LOVE. And to make her understand that sometimes I will fight for it. Even if it means against her.)

I also want to say:

  • That I know and understand what she has given up – full time mothering. And that I know how hard it must be for her to watch another woman care for and love her children. And that I appreciate her life choices, which whilst I do not support them, have allowed me the opportunity to mother and that I realize what a gift that is.

I’m sure there is A LOT more I need to figure out before sitting down with her, but this is a good start.

Here’s the real question in all of this, how do I do this all? Without loosing ground? When I don’t trust her and most likely never will?

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I have a situation on the home front I’m not sure how to handle.

The kids have a cell phone.  Yes!  A freaking cell phone!  Remember, they are only 6 and 8.

In my opinion, they are too young to handle the responsibility of a cell phone.  It makes me really uncomfortable that they have it.  It worries me what we are teaching them.  It makes me feel like I am not in control of them when they are in my care (like I should be).

The 6 year old thinks it’s a toy, even though she has been told it’s not and is only for calling specific family members when they are missing them.  So far today, she has called:-

  • me – even though I was in the same house as her
  • her dad – whilst he was at work, to ask him a question that her brother had for homework
  • her mom – just to chat
  • her mom’s girlfriend – who knows for what
  • her mom’s ex-girlfriend – again, who knows for what

Oh yes, I didn’t mention that the approved list now includes some people who definitely do not classify as “family”, as evidenced by the girlfriend calls above.  Also, all the calls occurred in privacy because she only wants to talk in private.  She could be calling anyone for all I know.  Or anyone could be calling her.

Their mom got the phone for them, to apparently “give them more control over their lives”.  That seems really odd to me.  What 6 and 8 year old kid has control over their lives?  Or should need to have that control?  To me control and responsibilty go hand in hand.  And 6 and 8 are definitely too young for responsibilty.  Surely what they need more is stability and security?  Not control?

It’s tricky.

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Frozen Hamster Anyone?

Yes, as you might have guessed (or not!) from the title of today’s ramblings, we have a dead hamster in our freezer!

My dear step-daughter M’s hamster died over the weekend and my dear darling husband has promised her we would take him to nearby woods and bury him.  Well, it hasn’t happened yet.  And so in order to not have a smelly decaying hamster, we decided to freeze him.  He looks delightful nestled amongst the frozen veggies and the bags of cooked up ground beef!  And before you freak out about the hygienic aspects of our homemade morgue, he is well sealed in a non-porous plastic bag and container.  Still, every time I open the freezer I get a slight shudder down my spine.  What we do for the munchkins….sigh….

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