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From today’s Daily Kabbalah Tune Up email:

Just as you are certain that your life will be filled with abundance in the future, appreciate what you have right now.
Focus on five things you are grateful for today.

During this hectic time in my life (a story for another day), I’m finding it tough to just stop and smell the flowers.  It’s a real pity seeing as we’re at the start of what promises to be a glorious spring.  Just today, the petals from the blossoms of the cherry blossom trees began drifting to the ground beneath them, ironically mimicking the snow falls of a few months prior.

So today’s reminder was timely indeed — and now I find myself blogging again after a long, dry hiatus — miracles truly never cease.

So then, what am I grateful for — right here in this precise minute?  In no particular order:

  1. My insatiable curiosity for knowledge and the intelligence to process and integrate it.
  2. For my current career, web creation.  Not only does it satisfy my technical brain needs, but it fuels and drives my creativity.  I get to work with colour!  And design!  A far cry from my first 10 years in IT where I programmed investment bank back office transactions in a dry, old mainframe language.  Don’t get me wrong, I am deeply grateful for my dry, old mainframe days; heck, it enabled me to move from South Africa to the UK and finally to the USA.  But the work I am doing now, speaks to my soul, in a way the early days never did.  What more could one ask for?
  3. A wonderfully understanding, supportive and loving husband!  Saturday we celebrate our 2 year wedding anniversary and words cannot describe how grateful I am to have him along with me on the strange journey we call life.
  4. Friends and family, old and new, near and far.  I am especially grateful to my longstanding friends who have seen me through 2 country moves, a divorce and numerous other stressful life events.  Thank you for sticking with me, even though you are so far away.  You’re always near in my heart.
  5. I am eternally thankful to have found my connection to spirit.  Many seek, few truly find the way.  I found it through Reiki.  I am not always connected every minute of every day, but I how how it feels and I know how to get there.  I just need a reminder and a nudge every now and then to go to where I need and want to be – my spirit home.

So there you have it, my “Grateful For” list.  What are YOU grateful for today?

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Today from my Daily Kabbalah Tune Up email:

Judging from emails I’ve been getting from students, there are some of us who feel like we have never experienced ‘the Light.’

Let me tell you that you have. We all have, even though it may be fleeting.

Think of the moment you put the final touches on a project that you fiercely believed in, one that took lots of time and effort to complete. That rush of a job well done is the Light.

Or how about that time you thought of someone and they called just at that moment. That too is the Light. Or when you get a great idea or answer. That too is the Light.

So you have touched the Light. The more you look for it, the more you will find it.

Today, find the Light in everything you are doing. It’s there. Allow yourself to recognize it.

Have a delightful day.

Isn’t this wonderful?  The idea that we are continually “touching the Light”, except we just don’t know that we are.  There are many times where I know I’ve touched the light, but there are a few times that stand out with brilliance for me.

The first was soon after my ex-husband and I arrived in the UK.  I was feeling really down, homesick and bluesy and we were out with some friends we had just become friendly with.  They took us on a gentle hike, up a hill somewhere.  At the top we stood, looking down into the valley, almost entirely surrounded by magnificently tall pine trees.  As we stood there, I finally felt able to breathe deeply again and I took great big gulping breathes of the sweet pine scented air.  And then I felt this sense of peace pervading my body.  I felt like the trees were breathing life into me, blowing out the melancholy.  I felt my soul start to sing again.  And I felt tears of joy.  What sweet relief that the debilitating sadness had left me!  I kept saying over and over again, “Oh my gosh!  This is soul food!” (my companions thought I was funny and just laughed at me), but I recognized that I was having an intensely spiritual experience.  I later came to realize that those particular tears, were the tears I would experience every time I connected that deeply to the Light.  That was the very first time in my life that I experienced God (or The Divine) and it amused me no end that it was through nature and not through pompous churches and so-called church leaders.

The second was through Reiki.  I cannot remember the exact time sequence, but it was some months after I had completed my Reiki I course and I was doing the prescribed self-treatment.  It was also at a time when although I had developed some sense of energy, I was no where near as sensitive to energy as I am now.  So there I was doing my self-treatment, which until now had not been too remarkable and would usually just send me to sleep, and I had my hands over my chest and heart and suddenly that same sense of pervading peace and calm that I experienced from the trees, filled me.  It is a difficult sensation to describe and “filled me”  sounds to inadequate, but it really did fill me until I felt like I was completely filled, even overflowing, almost like I became one with the peace, like there was no lines and edges to my body, like I was just an energy mass.  This time though, there was also a sense of ecstasy and intense joy, I think because I recognized what was happening.  And again, the quiet joyful tears.

It is amazing to me that these 2 brief experiences have been so life changing for me.  They sustain me now, many years later, when I sometimes feel no hope and want to curl up in a ball and die.  I KNOW that I can reach that peace again, that “this too shall pass” and that I just have to hold out a little while longer and get just a little clearer.  And I KNOW without a doubt that there is “something else”, more than just this physical world we see. And I also KNOW that there are many paths to the Light and that no one is better or worse than the other.  It really is what works for the individual.

I feel so very blessed to have had these experiences and been able to develop these absolute knowings.

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I guess I do have more to say today that’s not down and dreary.

I mentioned before that I was seeing a Holistic MD, but I haven’t blogged about it much. As predicted she spoke about diet and exercise. But more importantly, she understood and spoke about ENERGY! Not energy as you are most likely thinking. But energy as in Reiki and other energy modalities and practices. Like grounding, centering, meditation et al. Yay! Yay! Someone who understands!

On Thursday last week, I had a follow up consultation with her and a Energy Healing session. I was a bad, bad girl and didn’t do much of what she suggested in her first consultation – organic whole foods, unprocessed and unrefined products, regular exercise, counselling, blood work etc. I SO have a thing about authority and was feeling so ashamed when I arrived and even though I think it’s a waste of my energy to feel that way, I was. Not wanting to even mention it at all (as that would be putting energy towards it), I mentioned it in passing – softly, casually – hoping she wouldn’t hear it. Well, she did. And she was so cool about it all! All she said was “That’s just information”. Yay! No scolding! And then she said “There’s obviously something preventing your tremendous will from asserting itself”. Yay! That’s EXACTLY the way I feel! My will is STRONG. And has pulled me through many a weight loss program before, university, crappy jobs, moving to 2 new countries etc. It’s just deserted me now. Something’s up. Mentally. Yay! Yay! Yay! Oh! What it is to be finally understood!

Anyway the thing I wanted to blog about specifically, is something she said about feelings.

It is her belief that we spend vast amounts of energy avoiding our feelings. Pushing them down, and away. With food. With addictions. With busy-ness. With fat. She says that we need time and space to actually feel, experience and process our feelings. Something our western lives doesn’t give us much of. Without this time and space we cannot heal.

I asked her why we do this. She believes that it’s because our society doesn’t know what to do with real emotion. We are embarrassed by it, threatened by it. And so we are taught to not only bury and suppress it, but to not have it at all.

This is certainly true for the male population. But I think it’s even true for us females. Yes, it’s definitely more acceptable for us to express. But only to a very small, limited degree. A few discreet tears, for a few uncomfortable moments. And then that’s enough. “Pull yourself together now”, we’re told. Ever had a full-out crying, sobbing, body-wracking, ranting session? In front of a loved one? For like a whole hour or so? How comfortable were they with it? This brings to mind a verse from my favorite poem – The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer:

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I think my Lady-Doctor friend is totally correct. I know it’s correct for me. I hardly remember crying when I was younger (maybe my family remembers differently, not sure). I do remember trying to cry though, many times, anything to relieve the burning pain inside. And just getting a pounding headache instead.

Contrast that to now. And the last few of years, where I will cry at the drop of a hat. And feel WONDERFUL afterwards. Truly, a releasing experience. It’s a difference made possible by a change in beliefs. I now believe it is my god-given right to express. I never used to. It’s relatively new to me. I don’t think my family quite knows what to make of it all 🙂 . I think in some ways I might seem more unhappy, but in truth it is just me, expressing more. And I am actually happier for it.

Anyway, back to the Lady-Doc….She maintains that this feeling avoidance may be even more marked in folk who are energy-sensitive and empathic. I think the more comfortable you become with feelings, the more you actually feel. Except for those of us (like me) for whom feelings may still be slightly threatening, you may not actually want to feel more. It’s tricky. It is my personal goal to know myself inside and out and so I HAVE to face my feelings. Yet, there is obviously a part of me who is terrified by this process, probably Lil’ Nat. Hence internal conflict results.

Lady-Doc also maintains that excess weight is a wonderful mechanism to not actually feel your body and dull your feelings. Again, I think she’s correct. There are entire days where I don’t actually feel my body (from the inside-like). And then I’ll touch my body in some way or another and realize, “oh, that’s me”. Very strange. Almost like I am not in my body. I’ve heard people talk about that before, “being out of their bodies”, not like having an OBE (out of body experience…astral travelling), but just not being there. And I’ve never really understood that before. I think I’m beginning to really get it now. Looking back, I think I began to gain a serious amount of weight…pounds, by the minutes…when I actively and purposefully started working on opening up my awareness and consciousness. So, I think she may just be onto something here.

Lady-Doc says that her requirements of diet and exercise are not goals per se (although the effects are desirable from a health perspective), but are processes designed to allow me to experience my earthly existence, to ground myself, to center myself. To balance myself.

Her “diagnosis”, if you like, is that I have had a large shift in consciousness (agreed), but have not yet done the cleanup of old feelings and beliefs. It is these which are dragging me down, adding on weight and causing the fatigue. Again I think she’s onto something here.

One of her recommendations, from my first consultation was therapy with a EMDR Specialist. I haven’t yet done that, but after all these realizations about my weight, I think I just might give it a try.

I love that I have a MD who can speak in terms of spirituality and energy, as well as pathological medical terms!

Fascinating stuff.

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Today I finally wrote an about me page…About Me.
Let me know what you think.

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What I learned Today

Today I learned that:

  • My blog is depressing (thanks Steph! ;-)).  Unfortunately I generally only want to write when I am feeling down.  I am also most expressive during that time.  During the good times, I am too busy living to write.  This is something I want to change though.
  • There is such a thing as content management open source software, the most popular being Joomal and Drupal.  Wow!  Now I wanna playeeeeee….
  • According to my boss I am a Web Programmer, not a Webmaster (Mistress?).  This is a long story, to do with conflict between the IT Department and the Marketing Department, so I won’t go into it now.  If I am truly a Web Programmer though, I am very underpaid.  But hey, like I said when I took this job, I didn’t want pressure, I wanted to work from home and I wanted to learn.  And I have all that.  So it’s kind of a great deal anyway!  I guess somewhere in my belief system I think that in order to be happy, I cannot be well paid.  That is a TOTAL misbelief!  I want to be happy, have a life and be well paid.  Now I just need to convince myself that these are all possible – AT THE SAME TIME!
  • Doing Reiki before sleep and having solitary sleep time is very rejuvenating for me.  This morning I woke up REFRESHED.  Unfortunately, this is a very rare experience for me. It never used to be though.  I used to wake up alert (ok, maybe with the shower thrown in as well), but my lifestyle has become so unhealthy, that it’s been a very long time since I woke up like that.  I miss it.  Got to make sure I get to bed at a reasonable time tonight.

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