I guess I do have more to say today that’s not down and dreary.
I mentioned before that I was seeing a Holistic MD, but I haven’t blogged about it much. As predicted she spoke about diet and exercise. But more importantly, she understood and spoke about ENERGY! Not energy as you are most likely thinking. But energy as in Reiki and other energy modalities and practices. Like grounding, centering, meditation et al. Yay! Yay! Someone who understands!
On Thursday last week, I had a follow up consultation with her and a Energy Healing session. I was a bad, bad girl and didn’t do much of what she suggested in her first consultation – organic whole foods, unprocessed and unrefined products, regular exercise, counselling, blood work etc. I SO have a thing about authority and was feeling so ashamed when I arrived and even though I think it’s a waste of my energy to feel that way, I was. Not wanting to even mention it at all (as that would be putting energy towards it), I mentioned it in passing – softly, casually – hoping she wouldn’t hear it. Well, she did. And she was so cool about it all! All she said was “That’s just information”. Yay! No scolding! And then she said “There’s obviously something preventing your tremendous will from asserting itself”. Yay! That’s EXACTLY the way I feel! My will is STRONG. And has pulled me through many a weight loss program before, university, crappy jobs, moving to 2 new countries etc. It’s just deserted me now. Something’s up. Mentally. Yay! Yay! Yay! Oh! What it is to be finally understood!
Anyway the thing I wanted to blog about specifically, is something she said about feelings.
It is her belief that we spend vast amounts of energy avoiding our feelings. Pushing them down, and away. With food. With addictions. With busy-ness. With fat. She says that we need time and space to actually feel, experience and process our feelings. Something our western lives doesn’t give us much of. Without this time and space we cannot heal.
I asked her why we do this. She believes that it’s because our society doesn’t know what to do with real emotion. We are embarrassed by it, threatened by it. And so we are taught to not only bury and suppress it, but to not have it at all.
This is certainly true for the male population. But I think it’s even true for us females. Yes, it’s definitely more acceptable for us to express. But only to a very small, limited degree. A few discreet tears, for a few uncomfortable moments. And then that’s enough. “Pull yourself together now”, we’re told. Ever had a full-out crying, sobbing, body-wracking, ranting session? In front of a loved one? For like a whole hour or so? How comfortable were they with it? This brings to mind a verse from my favorite poem – The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer:
I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.
I think my Lady-Doctor friend is totally correct. I know it’s correct for me. I hardly remember crying when I was younger (maybe my family remembers differently, not sure). I do remember trying to cry though, many times, anything to relieve the burning pain inside. And just getting a pounding headache instead.
Contrast that to now. And the last few of years, where I will cry at the drop of a hat. And feel WONDERFUL afterwards. Truly, a releasing experience. It’s a difference made possible by a change in beliefs. I now believe it is my god-given right to express. I never used to. It’s relatively new to me. I don’t think my family quite knows what to make of it all 🙂 . I think in some ways I might seem more unhappy, but in truth it is just me, expressing more. And I am actually happier for it.
Anyway, back to the Lady-Doc….She maintains that this feeling avoidance may be even more marked in folk who are energy-sensitive and empathic. I think the more comfortable you become with feelings, the more you actually feel. Except for those of us (like me) for whom feelings may still be slightly threatening, you may not actually want to feel more. It’s tricky. It is my personal goal to know myself inside and out and so I HAVE to face my feelings. Yet, there is obviously a part of me who is terrified by this process, probably Lil’ Nat. Hence internal conflict results.
Lady-Doc also maintains that excess weight is a wonderful mechanism to not actually feel your body and dull your feelings. Again, I think she’s correct. There are entire days where I don’t actually feel my body (from the inside-like). And then I’ll touch my body in some way or another and realize, “oh, that’s me”. Very strange. Almost like I am not in my body. I’ve heard people talk about that before, “being out of their bodies”, not like having an OBE (out of body experience…astral travelling), but just not being there. And I’ve never really understood that before. I think I’m beginning to really get it now. Looking back, I think I began to gain a serious amount of weight…pounds, by the minutes…when I actively and purposefully started working on opening up my awareness and consciousness. So, I think she may just be onto something here.
Lady-Doc says that her requirements of diet and exercise are not goals per se (although the effects are desirable from a health perspective), but are processes designed to allow me to experience my earthly existence, to ground myself, to center myself. To balance myself.
Her “diagnosis”, if you like, is that I have had a large shift in consciousness (agreed), but have not yet done the cleanup of old feelings and beliefs. It is these which are dragging me down, adding on weight and causing the fatigue. Again I think she’s onto something here.
One of her recommendations, from my first consultation was therapy with a EMDR Specialist. I haven’t yet done that, but after all these realizations about my weight, I think I just might give it a try.
I love that I have a MD who can speak in terms of spirituality and energy, as well as pathological medical terms!
Fascinating stuff.
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