Archive for February, 2008

Teeheee…..I cannot stop giggling!

I have been stressing about my 3 year arm mortgage coming up to the variable rate option.  You hear so many horror stories of people’s mortgage payment shooting up at the end of the arm period, I was just expecting the worst.

Well, today I get a letter from my mortgage company.  And my rate is dropping by 0.25%, from 5,25% to 5%!!!!  Not going up at all.

How very cool is that!

Oh, and my house which has been on the market for around 4 or 5 months, has finally had an offer today.  A very low offer mind you, but an offer, nonetheless.  From a Realtor.  I think he thinks I’m desperate.  Which I’m not.  So we’ll have to see what comes of that.

Things are looking up.

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I guess I do have more to say today that’s not down and dreary.

I mentioned before that I was seeing a Holistic MD, but I haven’t blogged about it much. As predicted she spoke about diet and exercise. But more importantly, she understood and spoke about ENERGY! Not energy as you are most likely thinking. But energy as in Reiki and other energy modalities and practices. Like grounding, centering, meditation et al. Yay! Yay! Someone who understands!

On Thursday last week, I had a follow up consultation with her and a Energy Healing session. I was a bad, bad girl and didn’t do much of what she suggested in her first consultation – organic whole foods, unprocessed and unrefined products, regular exercise, counselling, blood work etc. I SO have a thing about authority and was feeling so ashamed when I arrived and even though I think it’s a waste of my energy to feel that way, I was. Not wanting to even mention it at all (as that would be putting energy towards it), I mentioned it in passing – softly, casually – hoping she wouldn’t hear it. Well, she did. And she was so cool about it all! All she said was “That’s just information”. Yay! No scolding! And then she said “There’s obviously something preventing your tremendous will from asserting itself”. Yay! That’s EXACTLY the way I feel! My will is STRONG. And has pulled me through many a weight loss program before, university, crappy jobs, moving to 2 new countries etc. It’s just deserted me now. Something’s up. Mentally. Yay! Yay! Yay! Oh! What it is to be finally understood!

Anyway the thing I wanted to blog about specifically, is something she said about feelings.

It is her belief that we spend vast amounts of energy avoiding our feelings. Pushing them down, and away. With food. With addictions. With busy-ness. With fat. She says that we need time and space to actually feel, experience and process our feelings. Something our western lives doesn’t give us much of. Without this time and space we cannot heal.

I asked her why we do this. She believes that it’s because our society doesn’t know what to do with real emotion. We are embarrassed by it, threatened by it. And so we are taught to not only bury and suppress it, but to not have it at all.

This is certainly true for the male population. But I think it’s even true for us females. Yes, it’s definitely more acceptable for us to express. But only to a very small, limited degree. A few discreet tears, for a few uncomfortable moments. And then that’s enough. “Pull yourself together now”, we’re told. Ever had a full-out crying, sobbing, body-wracking, ranting session? In front of a loved one? For like a whole hour or so? How comfortable were they with it? This brings to mind a verse from my favorite poem – The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer:

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I think my Lady-Doctor friend is totally correct. I know it’s correct for me. I hardly remember crying when I was younger (maybe my family remembers differently, not sure). I do remember trying to cry though, many times, anything to relieve the burning pain inside. And just getting a pounding headache instead.

Contrast that to now. And the last few of years, where I will cry at the drop of a hat. And feel WONDERFUL afterwards. Truly, a releasing experience. It’s a difference made possible by a change in beliefs. I now believe it is my god-given right to express. I never used to. It’s relatively new to me. I don’t think my family quite knows what to make of it all 🙂 . I think in some ways I might seem more unhappy, but in truth it is just me, expressing more. And I am actually happier for it.

Anyway, back to the Lady-Doc….She maintains that this feeling avoidance may be even more marked in folk who are energy-sensitive and empathic. I think the more comfortable you become with feelings, the more you actually feel. Except for those of us (like me) for whom feelings may still be slightly threatening, you may not actually want to feel more. It’s tricky. It is my personal goal to know myself inside and out and so I HAVE to face my feelings. Yet, there is obviously a part of me who is terrified by this process, probably Lil’ Nat. Hence internal conflict results.

Lady-Doc also maintains that excess weight is a wonderful mechanism to not actually feel your body and dull your feelings. Again, I think she’s correct. There are entire days where I don’t actually feel my body (from the inside-like). And then I’ll touch my body in some way or another and realize, “oh, that’s me”. Very strange. Almost like I am not in my body. I’ve heard people talk about that before, “being out of their bodies”, not like having an OBE (out of body experience…astral travelling), but just not being there. And I’ve never really understood that before. I think I’m beginning to really get it now. Looking back, I think I began to gain a serious amount of weight…pounds, by the minutes…when I actively and purposefully started working on opening up my awareness and consciousness. So, I think she may just be onto something here.

Lady-Doc says that her requirements of diet and exercise are not goals per se (although the effects are desirable from a health perspective), but are processes designed to allow me to experience my earthly existence, to ground myself, to center myself. To balance myself.

Her “diagnosis”, if you like, is that I have had a large shift in consciousness (agreed), but have not yet done the cleanup of old feelings and beliefs. It is these which are dragging me down, adding on weight and causing the fatigue. Again I think she’s onto something here.

One of her recommendations, from my first consultation was therapy with a EMDR Specialist. I haven’t yet done that, but after all these realizations about my weight, I think I just might give it a try.

I love that I have a MD who can speak in terms of spirituality and energy, as well as pathological medical terms!

Fascinating stuff.

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Today I really have a lot to say, but it will pretty much all come out as moaning which just seems so boring to me today.

So instead of moaning, I will tell you about my good deed for the day. Yes, it is only midday and I have already done a good deed.

Wawa!I am the official Easter Chocolate Sampleress. The ways it works is, a few months before Easter, like maybe 11 months, I have to start sampling chocolate, to ensure that only the scrummiest of Easter goodies get to the consumer. It’s a really important job here in the US, because the chocolate here is so darn awful. It’s a tough job, but ya know, someones gotta do it 😉 .

So anyway today…my good deed…by me, the self-appointed chocolate sampler…sample 2 pre-Easter goodies from the local Wawa (isn’t that an awesome name? Wawa! A most wonderful US eastern board institution!)

The Dove Smooth Milk Chocolate Truffle Egg
Typically, Dove is one of the only decent chocolate you can get in the US, over-the-counter style. Hersheys is crap (in my opinion – only). Sorry for the profanity. But truly, there is no other word for it. It’s crap. There are others which range from ‘not bad’ to ‘scrummy’ but they are typically only found in specialist chocolate shops. I want to start with something readily available. You know, for the man who forgets the next day is Easter and rushes last minute into a Wawa. So Dove it is. In a form I have not seen before. A first.

Notice is the packaging. Think, study foil, colored a subdued brown, with some kind of muted shade flowers. It hardly even looks Easter-ish. But it’s definitely classy looking. The type I’d feel fine giving to my parents or parents-in-law.

Taste verdict: Very scrummy indeed! And rich enough for this sugerholic’s taste. Even I couldn’t have more than one or two. This get’s a 4 out of 5. (I never give 1’s or 5’s…strange girl that I am). Not half bad for a Wawa special!

Sorry – I couldn’t find a picture of this scrummy egg 😦 .

Cadbury’s Creme EggThe Cadbury’s Creme Egg
Next is trusty ‘ol Cadbury’s Creme Egg. I have been consuming these for many many years. Each time, it is like ecstasy in the mouth. No, not the drug, the experience of religious ecstasy. Truly. Even when I consume too many and want to throw up, it is still a religious experience. Like dying a sweet death. Anyway… moving on.

I tried a first for me, Dove. Now I’m trying a trusted favourite. Got to make sure nothing has changed since I last sampled one…ummmm…a month ago.

Taste verdict: You know, even a trusted Cadbury’s Creme Egg doesn’t taste the same in the US as it does in the UK or in SA. How crazy is that? It’s still scrummy, but not quite to the same degree. Definitely still a good Easter treat though. I give it a 4.5 out of 5. If it was a UK or SA Cadbury’s Creme Egg, it would have got the esteemed and elusive 5 out of 5.

Edited to add: Huh! I just found out that Hersehy’s have the US licence for Cadbury’s! Perhaps that accounts for the taste difference.

Anyway folks, that’s it for today. I hope this helps you with your Easter Egg hunting,wink, wink, nudge, nudge 😉 .
I hope to be posting lots more reviews in the coming days.

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I have a situation on the home front I’m not sure how to handle.

The kids have a cell phone.  Yes!  A freaking cell phone!  Remember, they are only 6 and 8.

In my opinion, they are too young to handle the responsibility of a cell phone.  It makes me really uncomfortable that they have it.  It worries me what we are teaching them.  It makes me feel like I am not in control of them when they are in my care (like I should be).

The 6 year old thinks it’s a toy, even though she has been told it’s not and is only for calling specific family members when they are missing them.  So far today, she has called:-

  • me – even though I was in the same house as her
  • her dad – whilst he was at work, to ask him a question that her brother had for homework
  • her mom – just to chat
  • her mom’s girlfriend – who knows for what
  • her mom’s ex-girlfriend – again, who knows for what

Oh yes, I didn’t mention that the approved list now includes some people who definitely do not classify as “family”, as evidenced by the girlfriend calls above.  Also, all the calls occurred in privacy because she only wants to talk in private.  She could be calling anyone for all I know.  Or anyone could be calling her.

Their mom got the phone for them, to apparently “give them more control over their lives”.  That seems really odd to me.  What 6 and 8 year old kid has control over their lives?  Or should need to have that control?  To me control and responsibilty go hand in hand.  And 6 and 8 are definitely too young for responsibilty.  Surely what they need more is stability and security?  Not control?

It’s tricky.

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Online Security

Following on from my previous post, my friend Mr David W. Boles has given me lots to think about again in terms of internet security and anonymity.  This is a fascinating – and scary article – he wrote about parents unwittingly exposing their kids to online predators.  A few of the commenters disagree with Mr Boles, but I have to say that when it comes to kids, I’d rather be safe than sorry

So yes, while you can be found on the net, I guess there’s no good reason to make it really easy for anyone either.  Especially in light of the fact that there are children involved here.

So I have taken out the bio-facts from my About Me page and any real names.  And am thinking about what to do about any photographs I do publish.

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‘Tis Snow, snow, snowing again!

‘Tis snow, snow, snowing again!
Light soft snowflakes.

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Airing Dirty Laundry

I’ve been thinking alot again about blogging and the anonymity of it or rather non-anonymity of it all.

It started with a conversation with my step-mom about why I am blogging and “airing my dirty laundry” in public. It seems that some family members don’t understand why I would want to do this 🙂 . And could I be sued by any parties that might be written about in my work.

All good questions.

It’s hard to explain why I am airing my “dirty laundry”. It goes against all I was taught by my parents as a child, and by society as a whole. So why do it?

It started off with a desire to share with family and friends and a blog format seemed easier to follow and keep track of than emails.

I could have made it a password protected blog, but that kind of seems pointless, because I doubt family and friends would want to actually log into a blog. I tried to make it as simple as I could.

I could also have tried the anonymity route, but really that’s pointless as well, as I already covered in this post. If anyone wants to find me, they will. It really is not hard at all. Please read….and you will see. Blog hopping, I found another example of why being who you really are actually provides a surprising level of protection.

So hear I am, blogging openly.

But you know….there is more…the illusive part.

I think it’s to do with the actual writing. I want to write. I want to express. I have developed enough skill at writing, that I think I’m ok at it. It does the job of expression pretty effectively. Some people talk, some people scream, some people dance, some people draw, some people paint….I write. I feel lighter and clearer once I’ve written. Once I’ve put words to almost nameless fleeting innermost feelings, it suddenly all makes sense. I get answers through the process.

So ok. I want to express. And writing is an effective medium for that. But why public? What is it about creativity that makes us want to show it? What is the reward? Why do we have galleries. Why do other people buy other people’s creativity?

Is it recognition? Yes, of course, it is. But again, it feels like more. I know I get tremendous satisfaction if and when my writing inspires someone else or better yet, helps someone else.

Is this it? The illusive key? The sense of satisfaction that I made a small difference?

This is a fantastic article about blogging and “keeping it real”. I guess I do that then 🙂 .

What do you think? Let me know if you blog about this topic and I will include your post in mine with a link.

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