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Archive for February, 2008

Teeheee…..I cannot stop giggling!

I have been stressing about my 3 year arm mortgage coming up to the variable rate option.  You hear so many horror stories of people’s mortgage payment shooting up at the end of the arm period, I was just expecting the worst.

Well, today I get a letter from my mortgage company.  And my rate is dropping by 0.25%, from 5,25% to 5%!!!!  Not going up at all.

How very cool is that!

Oh, and my house which has been on the market for around 4 or 5 months, has finally had an offer today.  A very low offer mind you, but an offer, nonetheless.  From a Realtor.  I think he thinks I’m desperate.  Which I’m not.  So we’ll have to see what comes of that.

Things are looking up.

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I guess I do have more to say today that’s not down and dreary.

I mentioned before that I was seeing a Holistic MD, but I haven’t blogged about it much. As predicted she spoke about diet and exercise. But more importantly, she understood and spoke about ENERGY! Not energy as you are most likely thinking. But energy as in Reiki and other energy modalities and practices. Like grounding, centering, meditation et al. Yay! Yay! Someone who understands!

On Thursday last week, I had a follow up consultation with her and a Energy Healing session. I was a bad, bad girl and didn’t do much of what she suggested in her first consultation – organic whole foods, unprocessed and unrefined products, regular exercise, counselling, blood work etc. I SO have a thing about authority and was feeling so ashamed when I arrived and even though I think it’s a waste of my energy to feel that way, I was. Not wanting to even mention it at all (as that would be putting energy towards it), I mentioned it in passing – softly, casually – hoping she wouldn’t hear it. Well, she did. And she was so cool about it all! All she said was “That’s just information”. Yay! No scolding! And then she said “There’s obviously something preventing your tremendous will from asserting itself”. Yay! That’s EXACTLY the way I feel! My will is STRONG. And has pulled me through many a weight loss program before, university, crappy jobs, moving to 2 new countries etc. It’s just deserted me now. Something’s up. Mentally. Yay! Yay! Yay! Oh! What it is to be finally understood!

Anyway the thing I wanted to blog about specifically, is something she said about feelings.

It is her belief that we spend vast amounts of energy avoiding our feelings. Pushing them down, and away. With food. With addictions. With busy-ness. With fat. She says that we need time and space to actually feel, experience and process our feelings. Something our western lives doesn’t give us much of. Without this time and space we cannot heal.

I asked her why we do this. She believes that it’s because our society doesn’t know what to do with real emotion. We are embarrassed by it, threatened by it. And so we are taught to not only bury and suppress it, but to not have it at all.

This is certainly true for the male population. But I think it’s even true for us females. Yes, it’s definitely more acceptable for us to express. But only to a very small, limited degree. A few discreet tears, for a few uncomfortable moments. And then that’s enough. “Pull yourself together now”, we’re told. Ever had a full-out crying, sobbing, body-wracking, ranting session? In front of a loved one? For like a whole hour or so? How comfortable were they with it? This brings to mind a verse from my favorite poem – The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer:

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I think my Lady-Doctor friend is totally correct. I know it’s correct for me. I hardly remember crying when I was younger (maybe my family remembers differently, not sure). I do remember trying to cry though, many times, anything to relieve the burning pain inside. And just getting a pounding headache instead.

Contrast that to now. And the last few of years, where I will cry at the drop of a hat. And feel WONDERFUL afterwards. Truly, a releasing experience. It’s a difference made possible by a change in beliefs. I now believe it is my god-given right to express. I never used to. It’s relatively new to me. I don’t think my family quite knows what to make of it all 🙂 . I think in some ways I might seem more unhappy, but in truth it is just me, expressing more. And I am actually happier for it.

Anyway, back to the Lady-Doc….She maintains that this feeling avoidance may be even more marked in folk who are energy-sensitive and empathic. I think the more comfortable you become with feelings, the more you actually feel. Except for those of us (like me) for whom feelings may still be slightly threatening, you may not actually want to feel more. It’s tricky. It is my personal goal to know myself inside and out and so I HAVE to face my feelings. Yet, there is obviously a part of me who is terrified by this process, probably Lil’ Nat. Hence internal conflict results.

Lady-Doc also maintains that excess weight is a wonderful mechanism to not actually feel your body and dull your feelings. Again, I think she’s correct. There are entire days where I don’t actually feel my body (from the inside-like). And then I’ll touch my body in some way or another and realize, “oh, that’s me”. Very strange. Almost like I am not in my body. I’ve heard people talk about that before, “being out of their bodies”, not like having an OBE (out of body experience…astral travelling), but just not being there. And I’ve never really understood that before. I think I’m beginning to really get it now. Looking back, I think I began to gain a serious amount of weight…pounds, by the minutes…when I actively and purposefully started working on opening up my awareness and consciousness. So, I think she may just be onto something here.

Lady-Doc says that her requirements of diet and exercise are not goals per se (although the effects are desirable from a health perspective), but are processes designed to allow me to experience my earthly existence, to ground myself, to center myself. To balance myself.

Her “diagnosis”, if you like, is that I have had a large shift in consciousness (agreed), but have not yet done the cleanup of old feelings and beliefs. It is these which are dragging me down, adding on weight and causing the fatigue. Again I think she’s onto something here.

One of her recommendations, from my first consultation was therapy with a EMDR Specialist. I haven’t yet done that, but after all these realizations about my weight, I think I just might give it a try.

I love that I have a MD who can speak in terms of spirituality and energy, as well as pathological medical terms!

Fascinating stuff.

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Today I really have a lot to say, but it will pretty much all come out as moaning which just seems so boring to me today.

So instead of moaning, I will tell you about my good deed for the day. Yes, it is only midday and I have already done a good deed.

Wawa!I am the official Easter Chocolate Sampleress. The ways it works is, a few months before Easter, like maybe 11 months, I have to start sampling chocolate, to ensure that only the scrummiest of Easter goodies get to the consumer. It’s a really important job here in the US, because the chocolate here is so darn awful. It’s a tough job, but ya know, someones gotta do it 😉 .

So anyway today…my good deed…by me, the self-appointed chocolate sampler…sample 2 pre-Easter goodies from the local Wawa (isn’t that an awesome name? Wawa! A most wonderful US eastern board institution!)

The Dove Smooth Milk Chocolate Truffle Egg
Typically, Dove is one of the only decent chocolate you can get in the US, over-the-counter style. Hersheys is crap (in my opinion – only). Sorry for the profanity. But truly, there is no other word for it. It’s crap. There are others which range from ‘not bad’ to ‘scrummy’ but they are typically only found in specialist chocolate shops. I want to start with something readily available. You know, for the man who forgets the next day is Easter and rushes last minute into a Wawa. So Dove it is. In a form I have not seen before. A first.

Notice is the packaging. Think, study foil, colored a subdued brown, with some kind of muted shade flowers. It hardly even looks Easter-ish. But it’s definitely classy looking. The type I’d feel fine giving to my parents or parents-in-law.

Taste verdict: Very scrummy indeed! And rich enough for this sugerholic’s taste. Even I couldn’t have more than one or two. This get’s a 4 out of 5. (I never give 1’s or 5’s…strange girl that I am). Not half bad for a Wawa special!

Sorry – I couldn’t find a picture of this scrummy egg 😦 .

Cadbury’s Creme EggThe Cadbury’s Creme Egg
Next is trusty ‘ol Cadbury’s Creme Egg. I have been consuming these for many many years. Each time, it is like ecstasy in the mouth. No, not the drug, the experience of religious ecstasy. Truly. Even when I consume too many and want to throw up, it is still a religious experience. Like dying a sweet death. Anyway… moving on.

I tried a first for me, Dove. Now I’m trying a trusted favourite. Got to make sure nothing has changed since I last sampled one…ummmm…a month ago.

Taste verdict: You know, even a trusted Cadbury’s Creme Egg doesn’t taste the same in the US as it does in the UK or in SA. How crazy is that? It’s still scrummy, but not quite to the same degree. Definitely still a good Easter treat though. I give it a 4.5 out of 5. If it was a UK or SA Cadbury’s Creme Egg, it would have got the esteemed and elusive 5 out of 5.

Edited to add: Huh! I just found out that Hersehy’s have the US licence for Cadbury’s! Perhaps that accounts for the taste difference.

Anyway folks, that’s it for today. I hope this helps you with your Easter Egg hunting,wink, wink, nudge, nudge 😉 .
I hope to be posting lots more reviews in the coming days.

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I have a situation on the home front I’m not sure how to handle.

The kids have a cell phone.  Yes!  A freaking cell phone!  Remember, they are only 6 and 8.

In my opinion, they are too young to handle the responsibility of a cell phone.  It makes me really uncomfortable that they have it.  It worries me what we are teaching them.  It makes me feel like I am not in control of them when they are in my care (like I should be).

The 6 year old thinks it’s a toy, even though she has been told it’s not and is only for calling specific family members when they are missing them.  So far today, she has called:-

  • me – even though I was in the same house as her
  • her dad – whilst he was at work, to ask him a question that her brother had for homework
  • her mom – just to chat
  • her mom’s girlfriend – who knows for what
  • her mom’s ex-girlfriend – again, who knows for what

Oh yes, I didn’t mention that the approved list now includes some people who definitely do not classify as “family”, as evidenced by the girlfriend calls above.  Also, all the calls occurred in privacy because she only wants to talk in private.  She could be calling anyone for all I know.  Or anyone could be calling her.

Their mom got the phone for them, to apparently “give them more control over their lives”.  That seems really odd to me.  What 6 and 8 year old kid has control over their lives?  Or should need to have that control?  To me control and responsibilty go hand in hand.  And 6 and 8 are definitely too young for responsibilty.  Surely what they need more is stability and security?  Not control?

It’s tricky.

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Online Security

Following on from my previous post, my friend Mr David W. Boles has given me lots to think about again in terms of internet security and anonymity.  This is a fascinating – and scary article – he wrote about parents unwittingly exposing their kids to online predators.  A few of the commenters disagree with Mr Boles, but I have to say that when it comes to kids, I’d rather be safe than sorry

So yes, while you can be found on the net, I guess there’s no good reason to make it really easy for anyone either.  Especially in light of the fact that there are children involved here.

So I have taken out the bio-facts from my About Me page and any real names.  And am thinking about what to do about any photographs I do publish.

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‘Tis Snow, snow, snowing again!

‘Tis snow, snow, snowing again!
Light soft snowflakes.
Yipeeeeee!

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Airing Dirty Laundry

I’ve been thinking alot again about blogging and the anonymity of it or rather non-anonymity of it all.

It started with a conversation with my step-mom about why I am blogging and “airing my dirty laundry” in public. It seems that some family members don’t understand why I would want to do this 🙂 . And could I be sued by any parties that might be written about in my work.

All good questions.

It’s hard to explain why I am airing my “dirty laundry”. It goes against all I was taught by my parents as a child, and by society as a whole. So why do it?

It started off with a desire to share with family and friends and a blog format seemed easier to follow and keep track of than emails.

I could have made it a password protected blog, but that kind of seems pointless, because I doubt family and friends would want to actually log into a blog. I tried to make it as simple as I could.

I could also have tried the anonymity route, but really that’s pointless as well, as I already covered in this post. If anyone wants to find me, they will. It really is not hard at all. Please read….and you will see. Blog hopping, I found another example of why being who you really are actually provides a surprising level of protection.

So hear I am, blogging openly.

But you know….there is more…the illusive part.

I think it’s to do with the actual writing. I want to write. I want to express. I have developed enough skill at writing, that I think I’m ok at it. It does the job of expression pretty effectively. Some people talk, some people scream, some people dance, some people draw, some people paint….I write. I feel lighter and clearer once I’ve written. Once I’ve put words to almost nameless fleeting innermost feelings, it suddenly all makes sense. I get answers through the process.

So ok. I want to express. And writing is an effective medium for that. But why public? What is it about creativity that makes us want to show it? What is the reward? Why do we have galleries. Why do other people buy other people’s creativity?

Is it recognition? Yes, of course, it is. But again, it feels like more. I know I get tremendous satisfaction if and when my writing inspires someone else or better yet, helps someone else.

Is this it? The illusive key? The sense of satisfaction that I made a small difference?

This is a fantastic article about blogging and “keeping it real”. I guess I do that then 🙂 .

What do you think? Let me know if you blog about this topic and I will include your post in mine with a link.

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Kiddie Love

This week is our week with the kids. And it’s started off wonderfully!

Yesterday at 5pm S dropped the kids off. Polite conversation ensued between her and myself about the kid’s schooling needs for the week…kids have bathed today, haven’t eaten dinner yet, N needs to finish the book he is reading for his school report. N then tries to drag his mom into the house to come and look at something or another. She extracts himself from his grip and makes an excuse why she has to leave. I say we are going out right now anyway. She goes and the kids jump right into “Nat this and Nat that”…all chatty and cheerful. Yay! No tears, no drama! Yay! They actually seem pleased to see me. Yay!

We always try to do something special with them for when they first come to us. Just a little something to mark the transition, to catch up and reconnect. So as B was working a bit later last night, I do it myself anyway and take the kids to Boston Market for some scrummy chicken dinner. And they’re typical mischievous kids playing tricks on each other with terrible table manners. But they’re happy and playful. Yay! And they don’t protest when I try to take them for hair cuts (ended up leaving because the wait was too long) and then love it when we browse through the toy store. Even my request that they don’t ask me for anything because I’m not buying tonight, is generally heeded.

Later in the evening M is getting ready for bed and she calls me into the bathroom, with a cheeky glint in her eye. She climbs up on the loo seat (toilet seat for the non-UK folk) and says “You know you want it, you know you do” and proceeds to launch herself into my arms. Wow! She has never, ever done that before. She then proceeds to plant little 6 year old kisses all over my face! Oh god, my heart is just melting all over the place!

And then this morning, N brings me breakfast in bed, an omelet that his Dad made for me. All shy and sweet…awwww.

I asked myself a rhetorical question in an earlier post…”Why exactly am I doing this?”. Why am I trying so hard to be a step-mom when it just seems like it’s not wanted or needed?

Well, I guess that weeks like this are why I am doing it. Yay!

Like Brian says, I need to remember these times, when we have other more challenging times. I need to hold onto the good times.

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Sometimes, I Cry

Sometimes, I Cry

Great big heart wrenching cries,
shuddering sobs,
rivers of tears.

So great,
it would break a mom’s heart
and a dad want to viciously hunt down the cause.

But there is something you need to know.
Shuuuuuuuush, it is a secret!
Something the average Joe does not know.

My tears are healing! Not harmful!

They release the toxins
which have poisoned and sneakily mutated beauty,
for so many years.
Allowing a new breathe to enter that space,
and a sparkly new growth to build lush ground.

They are not a weakness overcoming me!

It is the core of great inner strength,
which allows me to be so vulnerable
to show my wounds to the cleansing air,
to allow the poison to be washed away.

They are a gift…to be seeked out and celebrated.

Thank you,
to you,
the person who allows me to cry and to heal and to grow.

© Natalie S Gallagher 2008

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N is sick again

Sooooo….in a fascinating follow-up to yesterday’s post, N, my 8 year old stepson started throwing up last night at around 6pm.

Some back story first…

oops..I accidental deleted a long detailed description and history of the back story. So I will post this anyway and hope to get around to the back story at some point.

So N’s throwing up again and on the way to work this morning at 7:20am, I get a call on my cell phone. It’s B’s ex. Ho, ho, ho….I wonder what she wants. She only ever calls me when she wants something. I decline to take her call. After yesterday, do you blame me? I think she has a severe amount of cheek, even thinking she can call me now.

She then calls B and it turns out she wants someone to take M to school so that she doesn’t have to disturb N who is finally sleeping. And he does it.

I have really mixed feelings about this. And it’s the same reason she is so tricky. I’d feel petty not taking M to school, even though it is 40mins out of my way, because why should the kid suffer for her mother’s stupidity. However, the only person who is being helped out here, is the mother. And I sure as hell don’t want to be helping her out. And here my husband is helping her out. Hmmmmmm…another tricky S situation to figure out.

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The Lioness, she is me

So I’m thinking that in my previous Cat & Mouse post, I kind of likened myself to a mouse, just waiting for someone else to decide my future. Well, that is NOT who I am and it’s time to reclaim who I am. I searched long and hard to find an image that I felt was more me. And here she is….

Snarling LionessA lady who knows who she is and what she wants and will defend it and go for it, if need be. And let that darn cat come near her and she might find that she’s the one who is tormented and torn apart instead. Grrrrr….

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Today I finally wrote an about me page…About Me.
Let me know what you think.

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Cat & Mouse

This week the children are with their mother. And today the schools are closed. So we get a voicemail at 8am this morning from B’s ex asking if I can look after the kids today. Ummm….luckily I decided to call in an inclement weather day for myself. So I say yes, bring them over (I’m declining to drive in icy conditions). Next thing we get a text message from her saying “Nevermind” and then another saying “When I told the kids they might have to go over to Nat (that’s me), they didn’t want to. And I don’t want to force them.”

So my question to you all is this, what in heaven’s name am I to make of all that?

Why bother asking me in the first place? If she’s got another plan anyway? And then to be dropped and turned down…and she doesn’t want to force them. I want to puke. ❗

I’m trying hard not to take any of this personally, but I think it is personal. I think I am being toyed with, the same way a cat will play with a mouse, chasing it, tormenting it, biting, clawing it, slowly peeling bits of skin off it’s most vulnerable parts, it’s throat, it’s belly. And simply toss it aside when the mouse is too exhausted to struggle anymore. And leave it to die a slow, painful death. That is how I feel.

Like I said to B last night. I get flack over his screwed up life from all angles….from his ex, from the kids. And for what?

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Inclement Weather Day

Looks like I got my wish. Today the schools have been closed in our county. Not that it affects me much, other than to give me an excuse why I shouldn’t drive my hour and a half commute to work, and work from home instead. I really despise that commute 🙂 .

B took an hour and a half to get home last night, when normally it takes him less than 40 mins. I eventually called because I hadn’t heard from him and I was worried. Of course he answered and was fine. My main concern at that stage was that he was dead and couldn’t call me. He thought that was funny and promised that if he died on the way home from work one day, that he would send me a message, somehow, someway…in fact he specifically mentioned plates falling from the kitchen cupboards….silly man.

I think to the average American I sound paranoid about the ice and snow. I know I didn’t grow up in it (having been born and raised in warmer southern climates), and so am unfamiliar with it. But it feels like more. Almost like mother nature created snow and ice to give the world a break, to just be still and regroup. And here we are doing everything we can to overcome that….snow ploughs, salt on the roads…and for what? Why can’t we just be still for a while? Oh I know all the arguments regarding our economy etc, but it really feels to me like we are going against our base nature.

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Huckdoll tagged me to do this funPage 123‘ meme. Thanks for the sweet compliment Huckdoll!

Here are the instructions:
1. Pick up the nearest book (of at least 123 pages).
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Tag five people & post a comment here once you post it to your blog, so I can come see.

My choice is Illusions – The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah, by Richard Bach (also the author of Jonathan Livingston Seagull).

If you want water to be liquid, think it liquid, act as if it’s liquid, drink it.
If you want it to be air, act as if it’s air, breathe it.
Try.

I’ve just finished reading this quick little book. B gave it to me for our first Valentine’s Day after we’d starting dating in 2005. I have only just read it. Strange thing, that. It really makes you think about what reality is. And how much of a Messiah you might be yourself.

I am tagging:-

  1. Jenty (a friend in SA whom I’ve know since varsity days and who introduced me to WordPress)
  2. SabrinaMari (‘cos she’s cool in every imaginable way)
  3. Elphaba, (‘cos of her on-the-mark insight and biting humor)
  4. Skyefyr (‘cos she’s a bookworm too, like me)
  5. KittyCat (‘cos I miss her writing in her journal)
  6. …and anyone else who chooses to participate.

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Today

Today, right now, I am pissed off.
I cannot get my freaking program (computer program, that is…in PHP) to work.  And so I have left my desk in a huff to pursue more pleasant pursuits (like eating and blogging).  B had better get home fast and help me.  Because right now I’m barely holding together the gaskets.

And it is sleeting (which will probably mean B will take longer to get home :-().  It does look nice, however.  Like a fine dusting of icing sugar sprinkled by the fairies all over the yard.  The neighbor across the road is readying his snow plough.  Maybe roads will be so bad tomorrow we can have an incliment weather day (or snow day) and stay home.

Speaking of sugar, today I confirmed that binging on sugar causes me to get headaches.  I have long suspected it.  But today, it was an instant reaction.  A few 2″x2″ pound cakes lathered with marshmallow and the heachache hit.  I have always maintained that I am lucky in that anything bad for my body, like cigarettes, excess alcohol and some soft drugs I have tried, always make me feel so sick, that I rarely indulge.  Except for food that is.  I overeat and overeat and overeat and feel bloated and lethargic.  And I’ve thought to myself that maybe if I was actually throw-up sick from food, I would finally listen to my body.  Well, maybe that’s what these headaches are saying to me.  LISTEN TO YOUR FREAKING BODY, YOU MORON!!!  I don’t know though, I love sugar…and when I have some, I want more and more.  It truly becomes compulsive.  My mother-in-law went on a 12 step program for food addicts once and their theory is that alcohol gets converted into sugar, same as refined sugar, so aside from the toxicity from alcohol, they both have the same effect on blood sugar.  So in actual fact, people like me, may be a sugar chemical addict.  Sounds really dramatic, doesn’t it.

So now I have a sugar headache and am pissed off.  Lovely.

Yesterday was my deceased mother’s birthday.  She would have been 61.  I feel kind of numb about it.

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Frozen Hamster Anyone?

Yes, as you might have guessed (or not!) from the title of today’s ramblings, we have a dead hamster in our freezer!

My dear step-daughter M’s hamster died over the weekend and my dear darling husband has promised her we would take him to nearby woods and bury him.  Well, it hasn’t happened yet.  And so in order to not have a smelly decaying hamster, we decided to freeze him.  He looks delightful nestled amongst the frozen veggies and the bags of cooked up ground beef!  And before you freak out about the hygienic aspects of our homemade morgue, he is well sealed in a non-porous plastic bag and container.  Still, every time I open the freezer I get a slight shudder down my spine.  What we do for the munchkins….sigh….

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Scramble!Oh my word! I’ve found a new addiction!It’s Scramble on Facebook. I am really getting into it…it’s quick and challenging and doesn’t take as long as Scrabble. Hopefully it should not be as disruptive to my day 🙂 .

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We Feel Fine

Today I had a click to my blog from an interesting source…..We Feel Fine.  What an interesting website!  And how fascinating that my blog was found this way by someone.

This is their mission statement:-

We Feel Fine is an exploration of human emotion on a global scale.

Since August 2005, We Feel Fine has been harvesting human feelings from a large number of weblogs. Every few minutes, the system searches the world’s newly posted blog entries for occurrences of the phrases “I feel” and “I am feeling”. When it finds such a phrase, it records the full sentence, up to the period, and identifies the “feeling” expressed in that sentence (e.g. sad, happy, depressed, etc.). Because blogs are structured in largely standard ways, the age, gender, and geographical location of the author can often be extracted and saved along with the sentence, as can the local weather conditions at the time the sentence was written. All of this information is saved.

The result is a database of several million human feelings, increasing by 15,000 – 20,000 new feelings per day. Using a series of playful interfaces, the feelings can be searched and sorted across a number of demographic slices, offering responses to specific questions…

At its core, We Feel Fine is an artwork authored by everyone. It will grow and change as we grow and change, reflecting what’s on our blogs, what’s in our hearts, what’s in our minds. We hope it makes the world seem a little smaller, and we hope it helps people see beauty in the everyday ups and downs of life.

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Too fat to Eat Out?

Blog hopping again, I came across this inspiring piece of news….Lawmakers have proposed legislation that forbids restaurants and food establishments from serving food to anyone who is obese (as defined by the State).

Well…well….well…substitute those words with vulgar cussing!

Can’t say I’m surprised that someone’s finally tried this though.  Just glad that I do not live in such an ignorant, arrogant state.

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Being a Step-Mom

My role as step-mom to my husband’s two kids…it’s a toughy. Where does it define what a step-mom’s role is? Because I have no freaking idea what it should be! I know what I want it to be. But no idea if it’s appropriate or not.

I want to be a real mom, someone the kids come to for comfort, love, affection and guidance. I want to care for, nurture, love and protect them with all the fierceness of a mother tiger. But I cannot force this on the kids. And, they have a mother who loves them dearly and is heavily involved in their lives already. What they don’t know is that she’s a screw up and is making crappy life decisions for them. But they don’t need to know that yet. Oh, but don’t get me wrong, I have a great relationship with the kids, but they don’t, and probably never will, see me as a mom.

At the moment I seem to be letting the kids decide what my role will be, but that kind of seems wrong, to let a kid decide such big things in my life. I don’t know what else to do though. Maybe this really is the only thing I can do.

B’s kids are M, his daughter, who is 6 and N, his son, who is 8, turning 9 very soon. Him and his ex have a 50/50 custodial and residency agreement. That means we have the kids one week in our house and she has them the next in her house. They go to the same school all the time (hopefully that would be obvious!) and for every other week, I get to do the “mom” stuff. But every now and then, reality rears it’s ugly head and I am reminded that not only am I not a “real” mom, but I have this undefined airy-fairy role of step-mom.

Like this week for example. It is our week with them. B and I (both – pretty much equally) will get them up in the mornings, feed them, make sure they are clean and dressed appropriately, do their homework with them, spend some leisurely time with them just hanging out, talk about any of the upteen bizare issues that come up and finally get them to bed in the evenings. In other words, invest my time, energy and heart in them. You know, be co-parents.

But tomorrow is a special movie day at M’s school. They get to take their stuffed animals to school, pillow and blanket and watch a movie snuggling with their parents, if their parents choose to come in. I didn’t even get to hear about this. And M organized for her mom to go with her. So her mom gets to go in – on “my” week – and share this special time with her at school – and I get nothing. To make things even worse, M asked if her dad could come too. So not only do I not get to go, but she wants her mom and dad to go – who are divorced. B starts his new job tomorrow, so he told her couldn’t go. Who knows what he would have said had this been a regular day for him.

I am hurting.  I feel rejected and neglected.  I know it’s riduclous.  M has done nothing wrong.  Her mom will always be her mom.  But where then do I fit in?  I thought I would get to go to these sorts of things on our week.  Guess I was wrong.  I feel myself withdrawing from the kids, not wanting to invest so that the hurt is less.  And doing that, feels wrong too.  It feels like I’m not doing right by the kids by withdrawing.  I feel so confused and torn by this.

At times like this, I want my own child. Even though I know it’s simply nuts to bring another child into our crazy lives.

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Who are You?

a higher Me / Spirit / God / your chosen Deity : Who are you?
me : Who do you want me to be?

That my friends is the eternal question. “Who are you?”
And the answer, my friends, is almost my entire problem. “Who do you want me to be?”

I’ve realized that I define myself by what I think others want me to be. And then I get sick. Because if we do not honor who we truly are, we will get sick, we will sink into spiraling depressions, we will get horrible cancers that consume us and then kill us.

There are loads of old childhood reasons for why I do this. But at some stage, we all need to realize that no matter what the past, it is only we who can decide how we want our lives to be. And YES! we do have the power to determine our lives.

So my next question is “Who do I want me to be?”. And it is in this place that I struggle and have inner conflict. I know who I want me to be, however it is often in conflict with who I think you want me to be.

This is my work. The resolution of this conflict.

This is what came to me during my 15 minute meditation session this morning. Powerful stuff.

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All our problems are solved!

There has been much written recently in the blogs I read, about what would one do if one won the lottery.  Well, apparently I no longer have to wonder and all our problems are forever solved.  Because today I received this email entitled ….. YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS HAS WON YOU $4.6M

UK LOTTERY ORGANIZATION TICKET FREE/ONLINE E-MAIL ADDRESS WINNINGS
DEPARTMENT.

If you are the correct owner of this email address then be glad this  day
as the result of the UK lotto online e-mail address draws of 29th
December 2007 held this time in Bangkok – Thailand has just been released
and we are glad to announce to you that your email address won you the
sweepstakes in the first category and you are entitled to claim the  sum
of US$4.6Million.

Your email address was entered for the special end of year Bonanza  online
draw on this Ticket Number: APP236566301307 and won on this Lucky  Number:
MX014926583.

You are to contact Mr. Donald Owens who is our Claims processing officer
on the below email address for  instructions on how to receive your
winnings fund. Note that Mr. Donald Owens might fail to recognize you as
the true winner and receiver of  the US$4,600,000 if you fail to include
the following in your contact  mail to him:

Your country of origin and country of residence/work, complete official
names, address, amount won, free ticket and lucky numbers, date of  draw,
contact telephone and mobile numbers. OPTIONAL :- [Sex, age, occupation
and job title].

Please do not reply to the sender,instead send your reply to:

Contact Mr.Don Owens
email:don.owens@satellite-email.com

CONGRATULATIONS
Mrs Jessica Ashdort
Promotion Manager Online Winning Notification Department, UK LOTTERY
ORGANIZATION.

How ultra cool is that?!!!  So please feel free to drop me a line about how I could help you with my share of the dough.  I simply can’t wait to get spending….woooohoooooo!!!

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