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Archive for the ‘parenting’ Category

New Blog

I have a new blog, oh faithful readers.  Yes, I do have a select few of those – faithful readers 😉 .  Thank you to my faithfuls for sticking with me through thick pain and thin blogging.  You know who you are 😉  I know who you are.  I follow you faithfully in return, not commenting much, but always there.

My new blog is about my quest for a baby.  The quest is about to get scary and I figured a new blog would do it justice.

May I present to you…..To the Womb and Back – One Woman’s Quest to Have a Baby.

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Life is THRILLING!

Soooooo…..she finally writes a post (I hear you mumble)….

It’s actually a bit of a “nothing” post though, just a quick catch-me-up type.

Life is just so THRILLING right now!

New house – closing by end January, moved in by end February.
New baby – well, not quite yet, but in the making.  And am also thinking of starting a new blog to document the progress.
New job – shhhhhh….it’s supposed to be very quiet.  And, well it is.  More to come on this by the end of this week.

I just wanted to record this wonderful feeling of bursting out of my skin with excitement!

And say that even though I am not blogging very much, I am still reading your blogs.  Those that celebrate the December holidays, hope you had a great time.  And a very Happy & Prosperous 2009 to everyone!

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Jenty did this meme today inviting those inspired to join in.  No, she didn’t tag me, but something my step-daughter said a few days ago, inspired me to write and to jump on the band-wagon.

Apparently it’s about mutation?!

“Proponents of memes suggest that memes evolve via natural selection – in a way very similar to Charles Darwin’s ideas concerning biological evolution – on the premise that variation, mutation, competition, and “inheritance” influence their replicative success. For example, while one idea may become extinct, other ideas will survive, spread and mutate – for better or for worse – through modification.”

So we’re all about mutation and propagation here, people. As we’ve all already subdivided and had kids, let’s mutate! Add yours to the list.

1. Real Moms don’t flinch when they talk about boobs. They do make you laugh your brains out.

2. Real moms go on vacation. Real moms go on vacation and learn to play traffic cop.

3. Real moms brag about their kids

3. Real moms do not mince words when they present the truth.

4. Real moms juggle

5. Real moms “resist the guilt and embrace the journey”

6. Real moms don’t give a damn to media generated Mommy Wars

7. Real moms have kids with potty mouths

8.  Real moms sometimes forget about toddler-proofing

And mine….

9. Real moms can be step-moms

The rules:

  • Copy the above text to your blog, leaving all links in tact and add in who tagged you.
  • Add your ‘real mom’ contribution to the list.
  • Tag as many moms as you can.
  • And meme-ify!

I hate tagging!  So here is my mutation (along with any grammer errors I might have found)…if you feel inspired, join in.

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With all the innocence of a 7 year old, my step-daughter said recently “One day soon you will be a real mom!”, excitedly referring to her Dad’s upcoming vasectomy reversal.  She soooooo badly wants a baby in the family, preferably a sister, sharing her room.

I looked at her and said “Honey, I’m a REAL MOM already!  Being a step-mom to you and your brother is as real to me and you as your real mom is”.

Of course I understood what she was saying…one day soon, god(s) willing…I will be a biological mom.

But I wanted her to know that the mothering I do for them is just as important as what their “real” mom does.  When the kids are with us, if I am not mothering with all my heart and soul (mistakes and all)  I am doing them and myself a disservice.  How much more “real” can you get than that?  I mean, really!

The words coming out of my mouth surprised me as much as her.

Wow.  I’m impressed with where we are now in this complicated “blended family” business, compared to where we were 18 months ago.

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Today is a date to remember.

SD called me on the kid’s cell phone. Of her own free will. That is the first time ever.

Yay!

The kids are on vacation 8 hours away with their BM and Mom-Mom (or grandmother for all you non-US folks). SD called to say they are having fun, arrived in daylight yesterday, had time for a swim before bed time and will probably go to the amusement park today or tomorrow.

I am touched beyond belief. Not only did she call. But she just called to chat and to share some of her happiness.

While the kids hardly ever call their Dad when they are not with us, they certainly they NEVER call me. Wow. I guess we are making progress…little itty bitty steps.

Abbreviation descriptions can be found here.

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Wow, I guess the Universe really does work in miraculous ways.

Through my blog stats, I discovered the CNN.com link and then I actually read the article.

I had been feeling confused and unsure about whether B did the right thing in telling the kids a bit about what happened between him and his ex. The cardinal rule in divorced families is never to bad-mouth the other parent. But what happens when the kids blame themselves or others inappropriately for the breakup? What happens when the truth is bad? And to tell it, you have to ‘bad-mouth’ the other parent?

Do you perpetuate the untruth in the name of protecting the kids? Or do you give them the truth, in the most unbiased way possible?

After a series of happenings in our house…(M thinking she had to stay with her Mom and not come to us because her Mom had no one and was lonely…M not understanding why Daddy, Mommy, Mommy’s friend and me could not all live under one roof – happily…both kids blaming me for the fact that their parents were not together, when it was their Mom who took another lover during the marriage, and them acting out with me severely because of that belief…the kids thinking ‘Daddy left them and their life’, when yes Daddy did leave but that was because Mommy was living with her lover under the same roof and he decided the healthier option was for him to leave)…B decided that the kids needed to learn some of the facts (as much as you can explain to a 6 and 8 year old anyway).

And so he told them:

  • How Mommy decided to love another woman and not Daddy anymore.
  • How Daddy moved to the basement to give Mommy and her new ‘friend’ some space and yet still be their Dad in every way possible.
  • How Dad eventually realised what a half existance that really was and that he needed to move on and start his own life.
  • How Daddy was paying for them and their Mommy all the time (while she played stay-at-home-mom) even though they didn’t know it.
  • How Dad found and met me – after Mommy and Daddy split and Mommy found her ‘friend’.
  • How we got married and moved closer to them so that he could be as much of a Dad to them as he could possibly be (he now has 50/50 custody).
  • How Mommy then decided that her new ‘friend’ was not good enough either (after the kids formed really strong bonds with her and were calling Mommy’s friend ‘Step-Mom’) and started loving another woman.
  • How first ‘friend’ moved to the basement (seeing a pattern yet?) and then finally moved out of the house.
  • How if Mommy was alone, it was through her own choosing. And how in fact she wasn’t as alone as they thought she was.

I think the kids were amazed. They had all sorts of questions about Mommy’s ‘friendships’ and we had to explain that although it doesn’t happen in all families that 2 Mommy’s can love each other the same way that husbands and wives can love each other. They wanted to know why their Mommy did not marry if she loved second ‘friend’ so much. So then we had to explain that marriage between 2 woman in our State was illegal. Things kids shouldn’t have to know about at such young ages.

All really tough stuff. The kids were ok though. I sensed relief from them that Daddy did not abandon them like they’d been allowed to believe.

I think he made one crucial mistake though. One of the kids asked him if he still liked Mommy. And he said no. They asked why. At that point he should have explained (IMO anyway) that sometimes people no longer like each other and relate it to their changing childhood relationships. But instead he said that he thinks she makes bad decisions. They latched onto that and threw that one specific statement back into their Mother’s face the next time they saw her.

Anyway, the point of this post was to say that in the CNN/Oprah article, Gary Neuman says there are times the cardinal rule HAS to be broken:

Gary says a parent needs to break the cardinal rule. “Children in these circumstances, we cannot have them feeling that they are somewhat responsible for the rejection from the parent who has abandoned them. So that’s the time when we have to say to our children, ‘It is wrong as a parent not to be there for your child.'”

I now see that in our case, the cardinal rule had to be broken. There were just too many misconceptions that were being perpetuated into the kid’s belief systems. I believe that healing can only happen in truth.

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Let me apologize in advance as not all my readers will know of my back story and so this post might not make sense all the way.

Today I came across the poem by Kahlil Gibran from The Prophet called “Speak to us of Children”. And I listened as he spoke. And I was inspired.

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said,
– Speak to us of children!

And he said:
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come trough you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of to-narrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the Archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

And now I find myself in terrifying waters! I just made tentative moves to break the tension between B’s ex and myself, agreeing to a meeting with the 3 of us, with the goal of talking through our issues. This is not because I like her and am secretly missing her (as if!). It’s because I think we will all parent more effectively in a cooperative environment instead of in a conflicting one and I think the kids will ultimately benefit from a united parental front (and so will the parents!). However, I am terrified that all I’ve worked for over the last year or so will just slip through my fingers in the name of ‘playing nice’. And I DO NOT want that to happen. But I also know how I can get. At my heart, I am a people pleaser and I often tend to forget all about my own needs. I then either burn out or grow more and more unconscious in my unhappiness and eventually explode with suppressed anger. Over the last year I have worked really hard to figure out what I want and to stand up for it, in spite of ‘politeness’. And I have really pissed her off in the process. And lived through it (gasp! Imagine that!). I’m scared I will let myself down and just let it all go. And all in the name of ‘co-operation’.

I think I need to write/blog/journal on this some more. Before we meet, I need to have figured out and written down:

  • What I want for myself out of my relationship with her (ie. I don’t want one with her, other than a kid-centric one. I want to be co-parents with her, not her buddy. I want respect for my role in her children’s lives.)
  • What I want for myself out of my relationship with the kids (ie. I do not want to be their Mom. I want to be a loved and respected, influential adult (maybe like a favored aunt) in their lives who can bring my own individual life’s experience to them – formal education, global cultures.)
  • What I want for my family (ie. B and the kids. That I want one. Which cannot happen if she interferes every few hours. She has been really good at this over the last 2 months and I’ve hardly heard a peep from her. I like it like this.)
  • What I want for the kids (ie. safety, stability, security – but most of all LOVE. And to make her understand that sometimes I will fight for it. Even if it means against her.)

I also want to say:

  • That I know and understand what she has given up – full time mothering. And that I know how hard it must be for her to watch another woman care for and love her children. And that I appreciate her life choices, which whilst I do not support them, have allowed me the opportunity to mother and that I realize what a gift that is.

I’m sure there is A LOT more I need to figure out before sitting down with her, but this is a good start.

Here’s the real question in all of this, how do I do this all? Without loosing ground? When I don’t trust her and most likely never will?

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