Rant warning! Feel free to skip ahead….
Right now I am going through a serious amount of self-loathing. I am so fat! I have nearly half my body weight to lose to be healthy again. Seriously! I am the fatest I’ve ever been! Well, that’s not entirely true. I was 15lbs heavier 2 months ago when I started Weightwatchers. But still, other than that, I have finally morphed into the fat, unhealthy pig I thought I was my whole life. I have literally created my worst fear!
I was doing so well on Weightwatchers, but fell off the track in honor of my birthday in August and my brother’s wedding last weekend. Just 2 days…yet I’ve blown nearly a whole month when I could have been loosing weight and not gaining any more.
I hate hating myself like this! But I can’t stop. It feels like it’s overwhelming and drowning me…and I can’t get control of it.
When I see pictures of myself, I go through denial “THAT is not me” then recognition and disgust “YUK! That IS me! Yuk!” then I sink down into a spiralling black pit of dispair.
I even changed my profile picture on Facebook to a non-Natalie picture. I’m also seriously considering removing all my albums from Facebook and removing my name from photo’s I have been tagged on. I just want to erase all evidence of my miserable hideous self.
And don’t you just love the stinking universe sometimes…? I just found out today that if I attend just 10 Weightwatchers meetings in a 3 month period, my fees will be 100% reimbursed via my benefits program. This fits in quite nicely with my other goal I’m working towards too – financial control and then freedom.
Damn, damn, damn…
Really, I’d be a fool to continue to entertain this self-hatred which is paralysing me and causing me to eat out of control and be a lazy, lolling couch potato…
I hope to god(ess) this is just temporary…otherwise I am in serious trouble. I sometimes feel that one day I will just explode with fatness…that my body will no longer be able to contain all this fat and I will just explode and die. Lovely.
Well, there is a flip side–I feel that I am too thin, I wish I could gain some weight!!!
It sucks that you feel this way and I hope that those meetings pull you right where you want to be.
Did C get married? Congrats to him 🙂
I’m sure you’ll get back into the swing of things at weight watchers very quickly. Good luck
From one fatty to the other … I feel you!
Hang in there! Fight for control!
Win!
Wish we were closer together so that we could do this together. 8 weeks down the WW line I am 3kg heavier! Go figure.