Rant warning! Feel free to skip ahead….

Right now I am going through a serious amount of self-loathing.  I am so fat!  I have nearly half my body weight to lose to be healthy again.  Seriously!  I am the fatest I’ve ever been!  Well, that’s not entirely true.  I was 15lbs heavier 2 months ago when I started Weightwatchers.  But still, other than that, I have finally morphed into the fat, unhealthy pig I thought I was my whole life.  I have literally created my worst fear!

I was doing so well on Weightwatchers, but fell off the track in honor of my birthday in August and my brother’s wedding last weekend.  Just 2 days…yet I’ve blown nearly a whole month when I could have been loosing weight and not gaining any more.

I hate hating myself like this!  But I can’t stop.  It feels like it’s overwhelming and drowning me…and I can’t get control of it.

When I see pictures of myself, I go through denial “THAT is not me” then recognition and disgust “YUK!  That IS me!  Yuk!” then I sink down into a spiralling black pit of dispair.

I even changed my profile picture on Facebook to a non-Natalie picture.  I’m also seriously considering removing all my albums from Facebook and removing my name from photo’s I have been tagged on.  I just want to erase all evidence of my miserable hideous self.

And don’t you just love the stinking universe sometimes…?  I just found out today that if I attend just 10 Weightwatchers meetings in a 3 month period, my fees will be 100% reimbursed via my benefits program.  This fits in quite nicely with my other goal I’m working towards too – financial control and then freedom.

Damn, damn, damn…

Really, I’d be a fool to continue to entertain this self-hatred which is paralysing me and causing me to eat out of control and be a lazy, lolling couch potato…

I hope to god(ess) this is just temporary…otherwise I am in serious trouble.  I sometimes feel that one day I will just explode with fatness…that my body will no longer be able to contain all this fat and I will just explode and die.  Lovely.

Blog hopping again, I came across this inspiring piece of news….Lawmakers have proposed legislation that forbids restaurants and food establishments from serving food to anyone who is obese (as defined by the State).

Well…well….well…substitute those words with vulgar cussing!

Can’t say I’m surprised that someone’s finally tried this though.  Just glad that I do not live in such an ignorant, arrogant state.